In a nutshell: The New Testament is filled with instructions that believers should ‘one another’. This means that a primary strategy God has to care for his children is through placing them in the mutual care of community. So the small group leader needs to mobilise the mutual care of all in the group. But the New Testament also speaks of the important role of being shepherded by leaders who are caringly involved in our lives. Everyone needs shepherds who will display the compassion and courage to really help us, whether it is comforting us in pain or care-fronting us in our sin.
Shepherding
Moses was described as the shepherd of Israel (Isaiah 63:11). But he was unable to handle the load until he realised that his role as shepherd was to raise up and release many shepherds (Exodus 18). In the same way, in The New Testament we see that the primary role of shepherding belongs to the elders. But we see in Acts 6 that some of the practical shepherding needed to be delegated to others as the church grew. (In the same way in Friends First, although the eldership team are the primary shepherds, the responsibility to shepherd (in partnership with the elders) is delegated to deacons and small group leaders.)
But it is not just the small group leaders who care for those in their group. It is also critical that the group cares for itself. After all, the New Testament has about thirty or forty ‘one another’ references, but only four ‘shepherding’ references (Acts 20, 1 Peter 5, Hebrews 13, 1 Thes 5).
That’s why, in most situations, the small group is the best environment for group members to receive care. Those are the people who have the most context, influence, and motivation to provide care. That's why we encourage the small group to "carry the load" as far as possible, then call in outside help when the group can no longer help, of if criticial issue arises in people’s lives (more about that later).
Scripture is clear that from the early days of the church, Christians have been called by God to care for one another. In Galatians 6:2, Paul exhorts the believers saying, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Acts 2:45 tells of the early Christians giving "to anyone as he had need." It is just the nature of the Body of Christ that members of the body support and care for one another.
Providing care is also a way to develop deeper relationships. Relationships are built on a foundation of shared experience, and the more intense those experiences, the tighter the bonds of relationship can grow. There's something about sharing the highest highs and lowest lows of life that just naturally builds intimacy.
Finally, caring for one another provides a powerful witness of Christ's love to a watching world. One new small group member described her reason for joining a group this way: "I had heard my neighbor talk about her small group for years. She had invited me to join in the past, but I didn't really consider myself religious and wasn't really interested. But when she was put on bed-rest for the last two months of her pregnancy, I noticed that someone was dropping off a meal for her family almost every day. She told me that between her last two small groups, they provided enough meals that she didn't have to worry about cooking from her seventh month of pregnancy until the baby was six weeks old. Now that left an impression on me. I wasn't sure how I felt about Bible study, but that kind of community was something I couldn't turn down."
When we operate as the Body of Christ by caring for one another in this way, it demonstrates the kind of love that outsiders find attractive, regardless of their preconceived notions about Christians.
Small groups are very well suited to provide care, but sometimes group members may be unsure of just how to do so. Here are some specific ways that group members can care for each other:
Here we see God instructing everyone to mutually help each other by:
- Encouraging and building up each other up.
- Loving, honouring and supporting the leader(s) who is/are involved in your lives.
- Warning (obviously in love) those who are idle (not pulling their weight in life and in faith).
- Encouraging those who lack confidence.
- Helping those who are weak.
- Being patient with each other.
- Addressing relationship-damaging tendencies in each other.
- Being kind to one another.
Ask them why it is so important that we as a group take these instructions seriously? Ask them which of these instructions they want to work on personally improving in their lives. Ask how we can better as a group do these things?
Pay attention to what group members say and how they act. This will help you be aware of and sensitive to group members who are going through difficult situations. Try to discern their needs and meet those needs as much as possible.
Group members need to take time to build relationships and be involved in each other's lives regularly so that they can recognize when someone is having a difficult time. As group members engage each other, they will build relational capital, develop influence in each other's lives, gain the motivation to act on concerns, understand the background to know how best to approach one another, and discern what will be most helpful to each other.
Walk with them through the difficult season. Have a posture of availability. At times it may even be necessary to initiate conversation with a group member who is hurting but doesn't feel comfortable bringing things up in the larger group setting.
Help promote an accepting environment where issues can safely surface. When group members share their care needs, make sure that your response communicates acceptance rather than judgment.
While the importance of prayer may seem self-evident, it can be easy for group members to shift into problem-solving or counseling mode when care situations arise rather than trust God to meet our needs. Prayer also creates opportunities to draw group members' attention to God, whether the care situation is one of heartbreak or of celebration.
Sometimes care situations arise because of unwise or even sinful attitudes and actions on the part of the group member. At times it may be necessary to lovingly confront him or her and point them to God's truth. Ephesians 4:15 describes this as ‘speaking the truth in love.’
The resolutions of many care situations require behaviour or attitude changes. While these life changes are driven by the Holy Spirit, small groups can provide the accountability that will support and reinforce them. When people have made enough relational deposits in each other, they are able to ask each other difficult or challenging questions without damaging relationships. Accountability works best when it's a two-way street. That is, group members must not only give accountability, but be willing to accept it as well.
We tend to think that providing care is solely about helping group members through difficult situations, but in truth providing care often involves celebrating successes and exciting developments. Its important to support each other not only through challenges, but through victories as well.
Not only will the group members be able to act as the "hands and feet" of God in caring for each other, but care situations often present an opportunity for God to develop those providing care by using their spiritual gifts, talents, and strengths to meet the needs of those in the group. Encourage the group to be aware of and celebrate key moments and milestones in each other’s lives.
While it's the role of the entire group to provide care, it largely depends on the group leader to make this happen. The group leader plays a vital role in guiding the group's efforts to provide care. The leader is responsible for setting the stage for care to happen, leading the way, and protecting the group.
The group leader creates an environment that is conducive to providing care by establishing a safe place where members can be vulnerable and share their needs. The leader also casts vision for the small group caring for each other's needs. The leader needs to be aware of when someone in the group is going through something significant and should ask questions that will encourage members to talk about what they’re going through. Similarly, the leader needs to recognise when someone has taken a risk and shared something deep or private and respond appropriately. He or she needs to be sensitive or discerning as to when they should put aside the agenda and encourage the group to focus on the member who is struggling.
Most groups have several people who are experiencing authentic community for the first time, and they may feel hesitant to share their needs. The leader may need to model vulnerability and a willingness to ask for help. The leader may also need to initiate the provision of care when they see a need by mobilizing the group to action. And when there's a success, a victory, or an answer to prayer, the group leader should lead the way in celebrating these moments. In each of the roles that the group plays in providing care, the group leader models and initiates these steps. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the leader has to be the best or most natural in all or any of these areas. Leaders may need to "lean into" the strengths and spiritual gifts of others in their groups, but it is the responsibility of the leader to initiate action.
Care situations present an opportunity for the group to grow closer as group members support each other and meet needs, but they also have the potential to damage the group and undermine the group experience. Care situations can easily come to dominate the group's discussion and prayer times. And because these situations tend to be emotionally charged, it can be difficult for the group leader to know how to balance the needs of the individual with the needs of the group. Basically, the leader is responsible for guarding the group's health by monitoring the group dynamics and taking steps to redirect the group when necessary. Over time a small group can lose focus and begin to morph into a therapy session or a support group. Our main focus must always be to make disciples, who are growing in the three vital relationships of love for God, love for each other, and love for our city.
When one person's or one couple’s issues consistently dominate the group, the others in the group will start to tune them out, or even begin to resent them. When the leader notices that the group dynamics are changing for the worse, it is incumbent on him or her to step in and direct the group back toward the true purposes and goals of the small group. The leader, in this siuation, needs to chat one on one with the person/couple and direct them to a more appropriate way to handle the situation.
If you fail to recognise the following moments in people’s lives, and to move toward them with the care and courage of a shepherd, you will miss out on an opportunity to really help people, and may hurt them and others more than you can imagine. Here they are…
No one is more spiritually vulnerable in the body of Christ than new believers. We should do all we can to help them get rooted in their faith, and in relationships within the community.
Sexual sin, and financial sin is like yeast. If left unchecked it will spread across the community. Divisiveness also needs to be dealt with before it spreads. Heresy also needs to be dealt with lest it spreads.
Be aware of being manipulated by people who confess their sin to you but say, ‘Please don’t tell anyone else.’ Say this in response, ‘I care for you deeply. I would not do anything to hurt you. I want you free from this. And I really believe that if I can partner with one of the elders I will be able to help you better than if I try alone. The elders care deeply for everyone in this church, after all. You can trust them. I certainly do.’
This includes financial stress, sickness, the loss of a loved one, having a faith crisis, or carrying the burden of trying to make a major life choice.
We discourage people starting romantic relationships within our community without reference to caring leaders because of the potentially devastating effects of making a poor decision.
Encourage your group to not get into romantic relationships, to get engaged, or to make decisions like quitting a job, or going overseas in isolation. Say to them that they don’t need your permission, but they are crazy not to get your perspective. That is what shepherds are for. And we need community to hear God. A life of just hearing the Spirit directly, without trying to hear what the Spirit may be saying through caring community and shepherds is going to land up in destruction, because our ability to hear God directly is less than perfect.
Although the small group can provide some healing for such a person, the reality is that they will need extra help elsewhere. Seek counsel from elders about this person.
Sometimes a form of mediation is needed by leaders (see Phil 4:1-3). A good idea is to give them a photocopy of Day 20 of the Purpose Driven Life, and to ask them to read it urgently. It is an excellent summary of how to deal with conflict in a Christ-pleasing way.
Sometimes people just stop coming. Do all you can to make time with these people. They need to be lovingly asked, ‘What is going on? Why are you withdrawing? How can we help?’ If you don’t pursue them they will likely entertain this lie in their head: ‘Just what I thought, they don’t care for me anyway.’ The longer you let a person drift away from community, the harder it is for you to encourage them to come back.
Sometimes people decided to drift away from community because they have decided to back off from Christ. Don’t ever take this personally. We must give people the freedom to make their own decisions, but it is very important that we do all we can to continue our relationship with them, and let them know that the door of the church and our relationships will always stay wide open to them. Periodically making contact with them after they leave may help in getting them to come to their senses.
Display zero-delay involvement with people who are going through these kinds of situations. Procrastination can cause the situation to get so much worse – and then shepherding can become a nightmare. The longer you leave it, the worse it gets.
Please let the deacons and elders connected to your group, or that person, know about what is going on in these people’s lives. If you don’t share this information, you may be guilty of blocking off grace to this person’s life that would come through a team of shepherds. Every community of small groups has an eldership couple designated to them, so let them know.
Let group members voice their confusion and pain. They need you to be the good shepherd's hands, eyes and ears in this conversation; they need you to be sensitive and caring about their pain. You don't need to solve their problems, defend God, or answer their questions and doubts. You just need to listen and care.
Try to avoid covering your awkwardness in the moment by filling it with words—there are no quick fixes to complex problems. Minimising someone's pain by trying to solve it quickly prevents you from communicating Christ's heart. God is very capable of healing someone's hurts.
In a group context, you may decide that someone's need is so important that the group should stop for a while and care for him/her. Or, you may decide after a few minutes to put a hand on someone's shoulder, pray briefly and compassionately for them, and let the group move on. It's okay if someone cries—just pass the tissues. Model Paul's teaching that we are to mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15). You can see why this would be a good time to gather in smaller (safer) circles for this discussion.
Hurting people don't need you to lecture them about faith. They need you to demonstrate it by the way you deal with your own suffering, by your eagerness to spend personal time with God, and by the way you care for them when they're in pain.
When last did you encourage someone? ‘Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today’ (Heb 3:13). We should encourage people ten times more than we correct / challenge them. Learn to encourage people with words, with notes, and with gifts. Have you noticed that most often we don’t feel like encouraging others, but most often we would love to be encouraged by others? Interesting. Let’s do to others as you would have them do to you. Let’s encourage our people. Especially, honour the little unseen actions in people.
The people that impact us most are those who believe in us. Think about that. You can impact people most deeply when you believe in them most deeply. Jesus certainly recognized and called forth the potential of his disciples. So should we.
When last did you care-front someone? ‘Speak the truth in love’ (Eph 4:16). Leaders must always move toward the problem. The more you avoid an issue, the more you allow it to grow and bring damage.
· The bridge dynamic: the stronger a bridge the heavier the load that can cross it. In the same way, the stronger a relationship you have with someone the heavier the correction you can bring to them. How terrible it is that we often confront the people we know well the least, whilst passing the most judgement on those we don’t understand and don’t have relationship with.
o Always ask, ‘Is my current level of relationship with them strong enough to carry this weight?’
o It is so important when care-fronting someone that you affirm your relationship with them, and their value to you, and your care for them. A good care-fronting builds an even a stronger bridge.
· The spinach sandwich dynamic: even spinach can taste nice in between two slices of bread. In the same way, people can receive a difficult word best if it is preceded by and followed by an affirmation.
o Again, start and finish with affirming your relationship with them, their value to you and God, the privilege of their call, and their strengths.
· The plank in your eye dynamic: We cannot help anyone unless we deal with a self-righteous, impatient and condemning attitude as we try to do it.
o Our eyes need to be grace-healed. In human culture people try change each other through heaping shame on each other. This just doesn’t work. We must not heap shame, but rather grace!
o One way of doing this is by separating the person from their problem! Affirm the person, but challenge the attitude / behaviour.
o Another way to do this is to tell them of your own struggles (past or present) in this area.
o Also be sensitive to timing. When a person is going through a tough time, then wait. Pray to God for the right timing.
o Always ask a person if you can give feedback first. Don’t impose it in them.
· The wells and fences dynamic: Care-front someone not in the light of God’s call on their lives. This analogy comes from farms in Australia where farmers use a deep well, instead of fences, to keep their livestock nearby. The well refers to God’s future call on a person. The fences refer to doing the right thing or the wrong thing. It is helpful to say to someone, ‘God has a wonderful call on your life, but I think there is something that is limiting you from living totally in that call, and this is it …’. This approach focuses on the well of God’s calling. A less helpful approach is, ‘You have some character issues in your life, some areas where you need to sort yourself out.’ This is less motivating, as it draws attention to the fence of behaviour, rather to the well of God’s calling. Ephesians 4:1 says, ‘Live lives compatible with God’s wonderful calling on your life.’ This is a well-focussed way of care-fronting.
· The ball-in-their-court dynamic: Once we have brought the correction we leave it up to God and them to take the next step.
You may be a naturally caring and gentle person, but you don’t have what is needed in yourself to truly shepherd people. The only way to really shepherd people is to stay close to the Chief Shepherd, Christ himself. Notice how Christ cares for his children with such care, and wisdom and compassion, and tenderness.
All shepherds need to wait on God, and ponder the Shepherd-heart of God in the Word, to be infused with the supernatural love of God toward his people. What a privilege it is to feel the Shepherd’s heart – both the joys and the pains! And what a privilege to speak the Shepherd’s words to his sheep, and to extend the Shepherd’s touch to his people.
Here are some Scriptures to ponder in the presence of God:
· Psalm 23 and Psalm 78:70-72
· Ezekiel 34
· Acts 20:28-35
· 1 Peter 5:1-7
· 1 Thessalonians 5:12,13
· Hebrews 13:17
From time to time, small group leaders will also be the recipients of care from the rest of small group. This is the wonderful result of being real with those we lead. We are all, after all, jars of clay.
But the small group leader needs additional care and support. This is dealt with in the chapter on ‘Grow stronger in team.’
What do your customers have to say? Consider using some space to tell the story of the business through your customers' voices. Their word is more powerful than anything you can say for yourself.